Details

Characters

The Writer, Non-descript
Actress, Over-actor, able to wear wigs-see script
Actor, Can pass as good looking and/or a hobo-see script
1 or 2 Stage Hands,Can be actors or actual Stage Hands who
are yearning to be actors

(Dark, empty stage except for a spotlight on a small desk/table upstage
center. There is a laptop sitting on it. THE WRITER, enters from backstage
and sits down at the desk. THE WRITER moves the mouse and pushes buttons, you
can hear the laptop turning on. THE WRITER gets up and goes off stage for
coffee while the computer is “warming up”. THE WRITER sits down again and
begins typing, speaking the words as he/she does so.)

THE WRITER
Lights up.

(The stage is fully lit.)

A blonde buxom women enters stage left.

(ACTRESS enters stage left she can either be truly blonde and buxom or wearing a wig with a stuffed bra.)

No, blondes are overused....

(THE WRITER deletes the blonde line as ACTRESS backs off stage left.)

How about a sassy redhead?

(ACTRESS starts to enter stage left with a red wig and freezes.)

Oh! Even better...a mousy brunette...

(ACTRESS yanks the red wig off her head and a stage hand steps out to give her a brunette wig.)

Who yearns to be a blonde.

(ACTRESS looks dumbfounded at the audience and starts reaching for an object that isn’t there.)

ACTRESS
I’m sure it will make sense later.

THE WRITER
She wanders to center stage. It is apparent that she is lost,
confused...

(ACTRESS wanders center stage, confused and checking wind direction with her licked finger.)

and heartbroken.

(ACTRESS is forlorn grasping her heart with her right hand and flopping her left hand against her forehead.)

She whispers to the skies...

ACTRESS
(Whispering.)
Why? Why did you do this to me? Is this some kind of cruel
joke to you?

THE WRITER
Hmmm...maybe she should yell that.

ACTRESS
(yelling)
Why? Why did you do this to...

(She gets cut off by THE WRITER and drops her head in frustration.)

THE WRITER
Aha! A whisper building into a yell.

(The ACTRESS waves her hand in dismissal. Then realizes the THE WRITER’S chain of thought won’t continue until she does.)

ACTRESS
(whisper to yell)
Why? Why did you do this to me? Is this some kind of cruel
joke to you?

THE WRITER AND ACTRESS
How could Rudolpho cheat on me!
(The ACTRESS mouths “Rudolpho?”)
And with my maid! I don’t know how I will go on without her.

THE WRITER
Yuck. Too much like a Fabio covered romance novel. I need a
new angle...

(The ACTRESS gets bored. She taps her foot, twiddles her thumbs and then she
takes a seat in the audience and talks in general to them.)

ACTRESS
I’m so sorry this isn’t more entertaining. As soon as I get
some decent lines, you’ll get your money’s worth, I promise.
Oh, wait...I think I sense an idea coming.

THE WRITER
Her boyfriend is really her brother? Nah, too Springer. Her
boyfriend chose his job and secretary over her and now she
seeks revenge? Nope, too Lifetime.

ACTRESS
Why does there have to be cheating?

THE WRITER
Why does there have to be cheating?

ACTRESS
Exactly!

THE WRITER
What if she lost her love? He was lost at sea with no hope
for return.

(The WRITER begins typing again.)

ACTRESS
Why did you take my darling Andrew away from me?

(The ACTRESS addresses the audience.)
At least Andrew is better than Rudolpho.

(The WRITER clears his throat. The ACTRESS gets back into character but still remains seated in the audience.)

THE WRITER
She opens her locket to look at the picture of Andrew inside.

ACTRESS
I can’t believe I may never see you again.

THE WRITER
Brandy sobs uncontrollably.

ACTRESS
Who’s Brandy? Don’t tell me there’s ANOTHER Actress in this
thing.
(The ACTRESS looks around for someone
else to come on stage.)

THE WRITER
Brandy is about to throw her locket into the sea...

ACTRESS
Oh! Brandy is me! Way to keep the lead informed, Writer.

THE WRITER
As I was saying...Brandy is about to throw her locket into
the sea when Andrew enters stage right. He nearly fits the
description of Tall, Dark and Handsome.

(The ACTOR enters stage right. He catches the ACTRESS’S eye immediately. She scrambles out of the audience waving her arms in the air.)

ACTRESS
I’m Brandy! I’m Brandy!

(She hops next to him and attempts seduction.)
I’m Brandy.

THE WRITER
Andrew sees Brandy crying. He steps closer to comfort her.

(The ACTRESS flops down on her knees, flailing and wailing. The ACTOR is hesitant to get too close as he dodges the ACTRESS’S flailing arms.)

ACTOR
Brandy?

THE WRITER
Brandy quits sobbing, startled by this familiar voice.

(The ACTRESS looks longingly at the ACTOR over her shoulder and puckers her
lips.)

ACTRESS
Andrew? Is that you? I thought you were gone forever. Come
here so I can hold you.
 
(The ACTRESS stretches her arms towards the ACTOR and attempts to wave him in
with her fingers.)

THE WRITER
No. I just don’t like that. There has to be something wrong
with him. A missing leg?