May I Help You?

Characters

LARRY, an overzealous grocery store clerk

MARY, customer shopping for groceries

STAN, Larry’s co-worker

(A grocery store. It has a checkout
counter on stage right and a shelf full
of canned/dry goods on center stage.
LARRY is standing behind counter. MARY
enters.)

LARRY
Hello! Welcome to S-Mart. May I help you?

MARY
Yes, I have a coupon for Super Sudsy Bubble Scrubbers and was
wondering where it would be located.

LARRY

(Takes coupon and inspects it.)

Of course, this has been a popular product. It’s right over
here.

MARY
Thanks.

(LARRY hovers near by as MARY continues
to shop with her back to him.)
LARRY
Was there anything else I can help you with?

MARY
No, I think that will do thanks.

LARRY
Okay, I’ll be nearby if you need anything.

MARY
Thanks, again.

(LARRY exits stage right and enters
stage left so he appears on the other
side of the shelf that MARY is
shopping. He is carrying a shopping
basket. LARRY peers through the shelf
to watch MARY for a while without her
noticing. She makes her way to his side of the
shelf. He straightens up and greets
her.)

LARRY
Hi, was there anything I could help you find?

(MARY looks back to the other aisle
puzzled.)
MARY
No, I think we took care of it earlier.

LARRY
Surely you need a basket.

(LARRY offers the basket to her.)

MARY
Oh, of course.

(MARY accepts the basket and continues
to shop.)

LARRY
You know, I don’t think I got your name.

(LARRY points at his name tag.)

My name is Larry.

(He offers his hand to shake. MARY is
hesitate but then shakes his hand.)

MARY
Mary.

LARRY
Wow! We rhyme!

MARY
Yeah...

LARRY
Mary, Mary quite contrary...

(MARY smiles politely as she attempts
to continue to shop. LARRY lingers.)

LARRY
It’s kind of slow this time of day. But you just lit up the
store when you walked in.

(He steps uncomfortably close to her
and sniffs her hair.)

Just like I thought. Your hair smells good. What shampoo do
you use?

MARY
Uh, I’m kind of in a hurry so...

(MARY brushes past him to head to the
other side of the shelf.)

LARRY
(LARRY becomes defensive. He follows
MARY. Her back is to him as she
continues to try and get away.)

Right, I understand. No time for small talk. I get it.
You think you’re too good for me, huh?

MARY
No, it’s not that at all. I just have a long “to do” list
and...

(LARRY suddenly switches back to his
original demeanor.)
LARRY
I’m sorry. It’s just that, you seemed so nice when we first
met and well, for a second there it was as if I didn’t even
know you anymore...

(He grabs a can of vegetables off the
shelf and presents them to her.)

Here. I got these for you.

(MARY doesn’t take the can.)

MARY
(She tries to choose her words
carefully so as not to set him off.)

Oh, that was thoughtful of you. But I’ve already got that at
home.

(MARY continues on to the other side of
the shelf again and LARRY follows. He
becomes intimidating, crowding her.)

LARRY
Where did you get it? Did you get it here? Who gave it to
you? I thought I meant something to you and you just dismiss
my gift like it’s worthless? It’s not worthless! It’s 88
cents of my hard earned money!!!

MARY
(MARY attempts to keep LARRY calm.)
No, no of course it’s not worthless. It’s just like I said,
I have it at home already and I wouldn’t want it to go to
waste.
 
LARRY
Mary, it’s a canned good. The shelf life is long. Now I’m
sure you’d find a use for it sooner than later.

(LARRY places the can in MARY’S
basket.)

MARY
Right.

(MARY searches for a believable excuse
to get out of there.)

You know, oh, yes...

(MARY starts digging in her purse.)

My cell phone! Someone is calling me.

(MARY pulls her phone out, smiling
trying hard to sell this lame excuse.)

LARRY
I don’t hear it ringing Mary.

MARY
It’s on vibrate.

(MARY scurries to the other side of the
shelf. She tries to dial out on the
phone. LARRY circles around and meets
her face to face.)

LARRY
No, it’s not Mary.

(LARRY grabs her cell phone.)

Why are you lying to me? Do you think I’m stupid? I found
your Super Sudsy Bubble Scrubbers. If I was stupid I
wouldn’t have been able to do that now would I? And who
asked where it was? Yes, you Mary. Now who’s the stupid one?
Huh? Mary? I don’t like liars, Mary.